I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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