that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
