doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
