People in love make me want to vomit
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
