I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
