She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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