false alarm. still invincible.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
