I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
