fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
