We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
