A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
