I hate all girls vehemently.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
