When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize