I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
