Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
