i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize