I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
