if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
