I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
