Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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