Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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