ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
