He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize