its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
