we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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