I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
