Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
