Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
