Apparently you make a good broom.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
