How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
