a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
it's like iHOP with fire
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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