You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
