I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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