i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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