were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
