Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
