It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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