I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize