Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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