i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I love having hate sex.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
