Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
