ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
