I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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