My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Drake has all the answers
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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