I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
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