there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
