At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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