I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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