dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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