I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I didn't notice because vodka
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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