Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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