my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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