It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
