I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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