good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
