The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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