The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
