Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
