plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize