for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
