Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
