i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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