Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
