We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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